Late Marriage
I'm hesitant to post this because I don't want it to be taken the wrong way, but hopefully I'll communicate clearly enough to please everyone. I had a dinnertime conversation with Joe Brown a couple weeks ago about various anecdotes of his youth. Somehow, the subject of marriage come up with reference to the ages when people marry. We noticed that in his day (my parents' generation), young people married much younger than they do now. It was perfectly normal for them to marry around 21 or 22. Now that sounds SO young! Even ten years ago, I think people still married pretty young. But the trend now -- both for Christians and non-Christians -- is too wait until the later 20s. I read somewhere that the average marrying age for women is 28 or 29. That's amazing! We discussed several possible reasons for this trend. Here are some:
1. Many young people (some Christians included) don't wait until marriage to live with someone and enjoy the uh, pleasures of such a relationship. So what's the hurry to get married?
2. It costs a lot more to live, which means more education and time spent saving money.
3. Guys are scared of marriage. Commitment, money, children, whatever.
4. There are a lot more opportunities for women now in terms of career, education, and ministry, so they aren't as hasty to jump into marriage.
5. The enemy hates Godly marriage, so he wants to thwart it as much as possible.
So what do you think? I have a lot of friends that are in their mid to late 20s and even 30s and they're still single. I know some absolutely wonderful girls older than I that are waiting patiently for the right guy, but unfortunately, I know some great guys that hardly seem to be aware of the female existence! So what is it?? I am no psychologist and I'm sure I may have some things wrong, but I find it a puzzling and interesting subject.
Let me also add that I do think it is smart for a guy and even the girl to be at least 25. I've heard the divorce rate is considerably lower for couples married at 25 or older. I'm not sure it used to be that way, though. Are people less mature now than they used to be? Not as ready for marriage?
1. Many young people (some Christians included) don't wait until marriage to live with someone and enjoy the uh, pleasures of such a relationship. So what's the hurry to get married?
2. It costs a lot more to live, which means more education and time spent saving money.
3. Guys are scared of marriage. Commitment, money, children, whatever.
4. There are a lot more opportunities for women now in terms of career, education, and ministry, so they aren't as hasty to jump into marriage.
5. The enemy hates Godly marriage, so he wants to thwart it as much as possible.
So what do you think? I have a lot of friends that are in their mid to late 20s and even 30s and they're still single. I know some absolutely wonderful girls older than I that are waiting patiently for the right guy, but unfortunately, I know some great guys that hardly seem to be aware of the female existence! So what is it?? I am no psychologist and I'm sure I may have some things wrong, but I find it a puzzling and interesting subject.
Let me also add that I do think it is smart for a guy and even the girl to be at least 25. I've heard the divorce rate is considerably lower for couples married at 25 or older. I'm not sure it used to be that way, though. Are people less mature now than they used to be? Not as ready for marriage?
posted by Kristi | 6:34 PM
8 Comments:
I read several different things recently. One said that a lot more couples are shacking up than even 20 years ago. Divorce rates peaked in 1980, and they have "declined" somewhat ever since, in part because people just aren't getting married. Breaking up is still gonna hurt if you're living in sin, though, right? The other thing was that between the ages of 18 and 25 people have an enormous amount of emotional growth. So there is some merit to getting married after that. People are a lot more nervous about marriage these days. There are lots of distractions, and not many good role models. This is an age when you can "delete" what you've got as soon as you're sick of it, and "add to cart" something shinier, newer, more "gratifying to me NOW." I've noticed that instead of feeling it's right to stick it out, there's this mentality that "It wasn't meant to be" that people use as an excuse to part when they have differences and struggles. There's just not the same respect for getting married young and having children right away. It's almost like it's passe,naive, provincial, old-fashioned, "been done" to do so. I bet you if this country went through some very tough times like a war or something, people might take to marriage again--it would seem possibly appealing in its domesticity in contrast to the instability and horror of war. That's happened before, right? What's sad is that the homosexuals are some of the most enthusiastic about marriage. Have I rambled enough yet? This doesn't really shed light on your unmarried 20-something friends, I know. Maybe you all need to try E-Harmony or something!! Ha ha!!
I think you have identified several of the causes. I also think there are several other reasons from both ends of the morality spectrum. For instance, some couples just live together without marriage on one end of the spectrum. And on the other end of the spectrum there are people that are so "committed" to life-long marriages that they think they have to wait for the "perfect" person to come along, for fear of ending up with a wrecked marriage, or having to “live with some horrible problem.” (Well, they never will find perfection. Only Christ was sinless.)
If it’s a fear thing, that’s sin. If it’s wanting absolute perfection, that’s arrogance, and a sin. Ouch.
The Lord had to speak to me about this very issue a while back. If I wait until "Ms. Perfect" with absolutely no sin nature and no faults comes along, I'll be waiting until I'm 6' deep. And I'm not perfect, or even close, so how could I expect a trouble-free, absolutely picture-book, marriage? Isn’t part of growing in Christ together learning to put the other person first in spite of their faults!
As a single 33 year old, and one that only recently realized some of this stuff, I have now changed my criteria from “Ms. Perfect” to “Ms. Loves God and is willing to learn from Him when He’s trying to teach her something.” (Of course that name probably wouldn’t have fit on her birth certificate so I’m looking for a shorter name. :~)
Great insights! Lori, I think your "delete" and "add to cart" concept is right on. I hadn't thought of it that way, but it sure makes sense. Everything in culture somehow ties together.
I think reasons 1, 3, 4, and 5 are all strong ones. I would modify number 2 by saying people have higher expectations when it comes to the lifestyle they want to live, so that pushes the age back. People could get married younger, but they don't like the idea of living in a tent, log cabin, cave, or something less than a house with two door garage. I would also add another reason. That is, men are predicted to be lovers of self in the last days, and a good marriage promotes selflessness. So as people become more selfish, expect marriages to become less common, happen later, be weaker, etc.
I think a log cabin could be kind of cozy. :-)
Seriously, very true. I think people used to not freak out so much at the idea of starting with very little. My parents sure didn't have much, but they trusted the Lord to provide their needs and He did! On the other hand, though, starting with a solid financial base can prevent some marital strains down the road. The challenge is to achieve the proper balance, I suppose.
Good point! I have friends that say/have said: "I want to be able to afford X, Y and/or Z before I get married or "as soon as I can afford a down-payment on a house" or some such thing.
My parents lived in log-cabins, tents and other such non-permanent structures for several summers and it didn't seem to hurt their marriage!
I have to cast my vote in the "why get married at all" camp. For nonchristians, what is the point? Seriously?
As for us christians, I am going with longer lives allow us to put off marriage until we've done X, Y and Z, whether it be education, or whatever.
But I don't really know...
Then there's the fact that God sometimes has other assigments for us. I wonder, too, whether Jesus is right at the door, and so He is not orchestrating more marriages.
Those are some spiritual reasons.
Probably for some people, it's just like any other good thing you know you should (and want to) do. But you are just waiting for the perfect time, and so you never quite get to it...
Or you're just having fun being single...and why rock the boat? (I'm certainly having fun!)
I agree with Jeremy: no waiting for Mr. Perfect! Elisabeth Elliot's Let Me Be a Woman is great along these lines (for girls or guys). Besides, why am I so special that I deserve somebody perfect? On the other hand, I'd rather not get married at all, then settle for someone who wasn't heart and soul for Jesus.
And I agree, too, with the idea that the culture makes it very, very hard to commit. Focus on the Family's Boundless webzine has some really excellent material along these lines.
There's nothing wrong with not getting married, as long as it's not by default.
I never really wanted to go to college, but after I'd been out of Bible School for about a year, I suddenly woke up to the fact that I might find myself forty and tied down someday, and mad at myself that I never even considered college! It was enough to spur me to pray.
Even my wimpy "God, I'm willing to go to college if you want me to, but I'd really rather not!" got results! A few years later I found myself in Jerusalem, wanting to stay...and the only way I could stay was to go to college. Yes, God definitely has a sense of humor!
As usual, it all boils down to balance and getting the Holy Spirit's direction, which is simple, but not easy.
And since it is such an important and challenging issue, wouldn't the most practical response be to pray for each other? :O)
-Lisa
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